If I've learned anything throughout my life, it's that it really is okay not to be okay. Nothing offends me more than when people tell me that I need to move on. Every time someone says that or even hints around that idea, my blood begins to boil. I feel like screaming, "IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN 3 MONTHS!" And keep in mind, people were telling me this after about one month. The person I love more than anything in this world, the person who knew me better than anyone else, my best friend, my Trev, passed away and I'm not okay. I get to miss Tanner, I get to think about him, I get to be sad, I get to keep on loving him. I don't want to forget about him, I want to keep him alive in my heart. No, it doesn' t mean that my life has to end, or that I have to be defined by this, but I feel like I am allowed to mourn. It has almost been 10 years since my mom passed away and I still miss her and think about her every single day.
Grieving is a very interesting process...and no one can tell you how to do it. I've already been through it once but now that I'm older, I have been paying more attention to it and how you really do go through phases. Everyone grieves differently...but for me, the phases come in waves. They just come out of the blue and hit me like a bus. I can go from feeling guilty, to being sad, to extremely angry, then right back to sad. I'm realizing that is normal though. And it's totally okay not to be super happy all of the time. A huge chunk has been ripped out of my heart. It physically hurts. And I know that the only thing that will heal my broken heart is to go through this process and not push any of these feelings aside.
Anyway, sorry for my rambling, I just wanted to throw it out there that if you're having a hard time, it's okay not to be okay. You don't always have to be strong. So cry your eyes out, scream, get mad, do whatever you need to do...because after all, you gotta feel it to heal it.