My mom

 

I know I am a week late but I just wanted to do a post in honor of my beautiful mother. (Wasn't she a total babe?!)

Happy Mother's day mom! I miss going shopping with you, going to the movies with you, having you do my hair every day, sitting on your tub and talking to you every night while you got ready for bed, your laugh, your smile, and most of all, your unconditional love. Thanks for being the ultimate example of an amazing woman to me, and thanks for watching over me. I hope you're proud.  I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck!

Love always,
Nattie

It's Okay Not to Be Okay

If I've learned anything throughout my life, it's that it really is okay not to be okay. Nothing offends me more than when people tell me that I need to move on. Every time someone says that or even hints around that idea, my blood begins to boil. I feel like screaming, "IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN 3 MONTHS!" And keep in mind, people were telling me this after about one month. The person I love more than anything in this world, the person who knew me better than anyone else, my best friend, my Trev, passed away and I'm not okay. I get to miss Tanner, I get to think about him, I get to be sad, I get to keep on loving him. I don't want to forget about him, I want to keep him alive in my heart. No, it doesn' t mean that my life has to end, or that I have to be defined by this, but I feel like I am allowed to mourn. It has almost been 10 years since my mom passed away and I still miss her and think about her every single day.

Grieving is a very interesting process...and no one can tell you how to do it. I've already been through it once but now that I'm older, I have been paying more attention to it and how you really do go through phases. Everyone grieves differently...but for me, the phases come in waves. They just come out of the blue and hit me like a bus. I can go from feeling guilty, to being sad, to extremely angry, then right back to sad. I'm realizing that is normal though. And it's totally okay not to be super happy all of the time. A huge chunk has been ripped out of my heart. It physically hurts. And I know that the only thing that will heal my broken heart is to go through this process and not push any of these feelings aside.

Anyway, sorry for my rambling, I just wanted to throw it out there that if you're having a hard time, it's okay not to be okay. You don't always have to be strong. So cry your eyes out, scream, get mad, do whatever you need to do...because after all, you gotta feel it to heal it.

Grateful

I have been thinking about doing this post for a long time and I would feel very ungrateful if I didn't post it so, here goes.

June 21, 2002 was a HORRIFIC, awful, terrible day from hell. It was the day we got in our car accident and my mom passed away. I honestly didn't think that I would have another day that would even come close to comparing to that. Boy was I wrong. February 9, 2012 was my worst nightmare. And now, sits right next to June 21, 2002 on the list of Natalie's worst days ever. The call I got that morning shattered my world, and forever changed my life. I still get physically sick when I think about receiving that news. I wanted to disappear into thin air right then and there. This couldn't be real, this couldn't be happening to me. But it is so very real, and it did happen to me, and I am still living this nightmare...and the worst part? There is nothing I can do to change it.

Now, the part of the story where I feel so grateful. I feel grateful for the people in my life. The angels that are in my life that have truly carried me through this. Ever since that day, I have had immense support that hasn't stopped.

First, I want to thank my roommates. I am so blessed to live with such amazing girls who are truly my good friends. I especially want to thank Kyndra. I think she is the first person who heard me sobbing. She came into my room and asked if everything was okay. As soon as I told her, she grabbed my phone, called my dad and told him he needed to get here. She called my boss and told her I wouldn't be at work. She sat with me until my dad got there even though she was supposed to be at work. Also, a huge thank you to Hollie, who also sat with and comforted me.

Next, my family. My dad came straight to my apartment and so did Brooke. My dad and Susie have spent countless hours comforting me and helping me through this. As soon as Kristi got the call, she packed a bag and within 15 minutes, she and her family were on their way from St. George. Kristi had a 6 page paper due on Saturday and a 10 page paper do on Monday but she stayed at my dad's all weekend. She drove back to St. George on Sunday and then flew into SLC on Tuesday morning for the funeral. Talk about an incredible sister. Brooke and Brandon came with me to the mortuary and were there for support when I saw Tanner for the first time. Brooke has had me over for dinner, given me rides all around town, and just listens to me when I'm having a bad day. Again, incredible sister. My sweet, sweet grandparents came to my dad's the day it happened. Few things are as comforting as being in my grandma's arms. They also came to the funeral, which meant so much. And, so did my Aunt Sharon. I will be forever grateful to those who came.

My best friends are amazing! Maria left school as soon as she could and came to my apartment to just sit with me. She spent late nights at my dad's house, came to the viewing and stayed with me throughout the whole thing, drove me to the funeral, and also spent that whole day with me and took me home. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her! She also kept my spirits up as much as possible with her fun personality and great sense of humor :). When I called Lexi on Thursday morning to tell her what had happened, and that I needed her to come to my dad's, she didn't ask any questions...she jumped in her car and drove right to my dad's house to be with me. She came to the viewing and funeral as well. She let me invade her house and let me wallow there for a few days. I can expect a text from her every day, at about the same time, asking how that day is. Mallory and Cortney, who both came to the viewing/funeral. I don't think people really understand how much it means to have that kind of support. But to me, it meant the world and I will be forever grateful to those who came. When my mom passed away, one of my friend's, Jordan Jeppesen, came with his mom to her funeral. To this day I still remember that act of kindness and I will never forget it. I don't think he knew how much that meant to me and still does. Thank you to Liz and Karley, for their numerous phone calls and text messages just to let me know they are here for me. And thank you to Karley for driving up to spend the weekend with me when I really needed her.

And last, but certainly not least...The Adams family. Words cannot express the love and admiration I have for this family. Not only are they some of the strongest people I know, but also some of the most genuine. I loved them from day one and always wanted to be a part of their family...to spend the holidays with them, to go on family vacations, even just to share the last name "Adams". However, they will always be family to me and they have treated me as nothing less. Tanner once said to me, "Just remember, you'll never find a mother-in law that will love you as much as Cindy." And he's probably right. :) I'm so grateful for her, she is definitely one of my angels and has kept me going on the days that I want to give up. I feel a little piece of Tanner every time I get a bear hug from her. Like Maria said, "Tanner has your mom in heaven and you have his mom here on earth." How true that is and how blessed I am for that. The whole family's strength is inspiring to me. I would never wish any of this upon anyone but if I have to go through this, I'm grateful that is with an amazing family like the Adams. I truly know that Heavenly Father (and I'm sure my mom had a hand in it as well) blessed me with them. I know Tanner would be so proud of all of them. I love that family more than they will ever know!

Thank you to everyone who came to visit me, called me, wrote me a card, texted me, sent me flowers, prayed for me, sent a Facebook message, or even commented on this blog. I was overwhelmed with the love and support that was shown to me. I heard from people who I hadn't heard from in years. It is so nice to know that people care.

So again, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone who has helped me and showed me support. You have all helped make this trial a little more bearable and it means more than you'll ever know.

Tanner Rick Adams

Thank you to Taylor Ballam for this amazing video! Click here to see more of his amazing work.

I can't believe it has been a month since I lost the love of my life and my best friend. I don't really even know what to say besides I miss him every second of every day. I miss his smile, his cute giggle, his jokes...I miss everything about him. My heart hurts. I think everyone that knew Tanner has a broken heart. He had an amazing light about him...and I will be forever grateful that I was blessed by his amazing spirit. I can't wait until the happy reunion when I get to see him, and my mom again. For now, they better be helping me out throughout my journey here on earth! Heaven is so blessed to have a new angel. Mom, take care of my new angel...and Tan, give my mom one of your amazing bear hugs for me.

A Thought For the Day...

We can do hard things!

I'm apologizing ahead if this post sounds a little preachy or churchy-but the reason I'm writing it is to give myself some reassurance and hope. I'm writing this to remind myself why I'm here and why I should "keep on keepin on". So, if it helps anyone else out then its a win-win situation :) Life has been extra hard lately. It's crazy how everything can go from being so "perfect" to complete and utter chaos. There are many of my loved ones going through HARD things. And all I want to be able to do is save them and make everything better. I keep wondering, "Why won't Heavenly Father help them? Why won't he fix this? How can he let innocent people suffer so much?" My dad keeps reminding me that we all have our agency and God won't step in and take that away from us. I keep trying to remind myself that this life is a test...with many trials. And its up to us to decide if we are going to let these trials destroy us, or strengthen us. I have felt very alone and empty lately. Then I remembered this quote from one of my favorite talks...

"We know that on some level Jesus experienced the totality of mortal existence in Gethsemane. It's our faith that he experienced everything- absolutely everything. Sometimes we don't think through the implications of that belief. We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family. But we do not experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually. That mean Jesus know what it felt like when your mother died of cancer- how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what it felt like to lose the student body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked, and the car started to skid. He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virgina. He experienced napalm in Vietnam. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism.

..But he'll stay in that room if you put him there. The door to him is always open, but the door to you can be closed and stay closed - if you choose to close it. If there is one great constant in the universe is the unfailing love of the Savior, the other great constant is his unfailing respect for human agency. He will not override your will, even for your own good. He will not compel you to accept his help. He will not force you to accept his companionship. He leaves you free to choose. He's not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people do not need a Savior. He came to save us in our imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living makes mistakes. He's not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief. You know that people who live in a certain latitude and experience long winter nights can become depressed and even suicidal, because something in our bodies requires whole spectrum light for a certain numbers of hours a day. Our spiritual requirement for light is just as desperate and as deep as our physical need for light. Jesus is the light of the world. We know that the world is a dark place sometimes, but we need not walk in darkness. The people who sit in darkness have seen a great light, and the people who walk in darkness can have a bright companion. We need him, and he is ready to come to us, if we'll open the door and let him in."

-Chieko N. Okazaki (Lighten up)

I often feel like no one truly understands how I feel and what I am going through. This talk is a great reminder that there IS one person who does know.

How comforting it is to know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, knows EXACTLY what I have been through and continue to go through. He

atoned for each and every one of our sins and sacrificed His life for me. He is willing to take upon all of our pain but like the talk says, we need to be humble enough to go to Him, ask for His help, and let Him in.

"Our destiny is greater than we can imagine. If only we understood who we are and what is in store for us, our hearts would overflow with such gratitude and happiness that it would enlighten even the darkest sorrows with the light and love of God, our Heavenly Father. The next time you feel unhappy, remember where you came from and where you are going. Rather than focus on things that dampen your thoughts with sorrow, choose to focus on those things that fill your soul with hope."

The Reflection in the Water

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

“Think of the purest, most all-consuming love you can imagine. Now multiply that love by an infinite amount—that is the measure of God’s love for you. God does not look on the outward appearance. I believe that He doesn’t care one bit if we live in a castle or a cottage, if we are handsome or homely, if we are famous or forgotten. Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God love encompasses us completely. He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our résumé but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God’s love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked. What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us.”
― Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I'm truly so thankful to have the gospel in my life. I feel like I need to express it more...especially with the holiday season just around the corner. It is the perfect time of year to reflect on all of our blessings and to remember the true meaning of the holidays. For now, I'm going to take one day at a time, remember that there is a bigger plan for us that I can't comprehend, and a reason for everything we go through. God is mindful of us and wants us to succeed. We CAN do hard things!

If anyone made it this far, good job and thanks for reading. :) Love you all!

Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time

I needed to hear this today. I hope it helps someone else too!