It's Okay Not to Be Okay

If I've learned anything throughout my life, it's that it really is okay not to be okay. Nothing offends me more than when people tell me that I need to move on. Every time someone says that or even hints around that idea, my blood begins to boil. I feel like screaming, "IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN 3 MONTHS!" And keep in mind, people were telling me this after about one month. The person I love more than anything in this world, the person who knew me better than anyone else, my best friend, my Trev, passed away and I'm not okay. I get to miss Tanner, I get to think about him, I get to be sad, I get to keep on loving him. I don't want to forget about him, I want to keep him alive in my heart. No, it doesn' t mean that my life has to end, or that I have to be defined by this, but I feel like I am allowed to mourn. It has almost been 10 years since my mom passed away and I still miss her and think about her every single day.

Grieving is a very interesting process...and no one can tell you how to do it. I've already been through it once but now that I'm older, I have been paying more attention to it and how you really do go through phases. Everyone grieves differently...but for me, the phases come in waves. They just come out of the blue and hit me like a bus. I can go from feeling guilty, to being sad, to extremely angry, then right back to sad. I'm realizing that is normal though. And it's totally okay not to be super happy all of the time. A huge chunk has been ripped out of my heart. It physically hurts. And I know that the only thing that will heal my broken heart is to go through this process and not push any of these feelings aside.

Anyway, sorry for my rambling, I just wanted to throw it out there that if you're having a hard time, it's okay not to be okay. You don't always have to be strong. So cry your eyes out, scream, get mad, do whatever you need to do...because after all, you gotta feel it to heal it.

Grateful

I have been thinking about doing this post for a long time and I would feel very ungrateful if I didn't post it so, here goes.

June 21, 2002 was a HORRIFIC, awful, terrible day from hell. It was the day we got in our car accident and my mom passed away. I honestly didn't think that I would have another day that would even come close to comparing to that. Boy was I wrong. February 9, 2012 was my worst nightmare. And now, sits right next to June 21, 2002 on the list of Natalie's worst days ever. The call I got that morning shattered my world, and forever changed my life. I still get physically sick when I think about receiving that news. I wanted to disappear into thin air right then and there. This couldn't be real, this couldn't be happening to me. But it is so very real, and it did happen to me, and I am still living this nightmare...and the worst part? There is nothing I can do to change it.

Now, the part of the story where I feel so grateful. I feel grateful for the people in my life. The angels that are in my life that have truly carried me through this. Ever since that day, I have had immense support that hasn't stopped.

First, I want to thank my roommates. I am so blessed to live with such amazing girls who are truly my good friends. I especially want to thank Kyndra. I think she is the first person who heard me sobbing. She came into my room and asked if everything was okay. As soon as I told her, she grabbed my phone, called my dad and told him he needed to get here. She called my boss and told her I wouldn't be at work. She sat with me until my dad got there even though she was supposed to be at work. Also, a huge thank you to Hollie, who also sat with and comforted me.

Next, my family. My dad came straight to my apartment and so did Brooke. My dad and Susie have spent countless hours comforting me and helping me through this. As soon as Kristi got the call, she packed a bag and within 15 minutes, she and her family were on their way from St. George. Kristi had a 6 page paper due on Saturday and a 10 page paper do on Monday but she stayed at my dad's all weekend. She drove back to St. George on Sunday and then flew into SLC on Tuesday morning for the funeral. Talk about an incredible sister. Brooke and Brandon came with me to the mortuary and were there for support when I saw Tanner for the first time. Brooke has had me over for dinner, given me rides all around town, and just listens to me when I'm having a bad day. Again, incredible sister. My sweet, sweet grandparents came to my dad's the day it happened. Few things are as comforting as being in my grandma's arms. They also came to the funeral, which meant so much. And, so did my Aunt Sharon. I will be forever grateful to those who came.

My best friends are amazing! Maria left school as soon as she could and came to my apartment to just sit with me. She spent late nights at my dad's house, came to the viewing and stayed with me throughout the whole thing, drove me to the funeral, and also spent that whole day with me and took me home. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her! She also kept my spirits up as much as possible with her fun personality and great sense of humor :). When I called Lexi on Thursday morning to tell her what had happened, and that I needed her to come to my dad's, she didn't ask any questions...she jumped in her car and drove right to my dad's house to be with me. She came to the viewing and funeral as well. She let me invade her house and let me wallow there for a few days. I can expect a text from her every day, at about the same time, asking how that day is. Mallory and Cortney, who both came to the viewing/funeral. I don't think people really understand how much it means to have that kind of support. But to me, it meant the world and I will be forever grateful to those who came. When my mom passed away, one of my friend's, Jordan Jeppesen, came with his mom to her funeral. To this day I still remember that act of kindness and I will never forget it. I don't think he knew how much that meant to me and still does. Thank you to Liz and Karley, for their numerous phone calls and text messages just to let me know they are here for me. And thank you to Karley for driving up to spend the weekend with me when I really needed her.

And last, but certainly not least...The Adams family. Words cannot express the love and admiration I have for this family. Not only are they some of the strongest people I know, but also some of the most genuine. I loved them from day one and always wanted to be a part of their family...to spend the holidays with them, to go on family vacations, even just to share the last name "Adams". However, they will always be family to me and they have treated me as nothing less. Tanner once said to me, "Just remember, you'll never find a mother-in law that will love you as much as Cindy." And he's probably right. :) I'm so grateful for her, she is definitely one of my angels and has kept me going on the days that I want to give up. I feel a little piece of Tanner every time I get a bear hug from her. Like Maria said, "Tanner has your mom in heaven and you have his mom here on earth." How true that is and how blessed I am for that. The whole family's strength is inspiring to me. I would never wish any of this upon anyone but if I have to go through this, I'm grateful that is with an amazing family like the Adams. I truly know that Heavenly Father (and I'm sure my mom had a hand in it as well) blessed me with them. I know Tanner would be so proud of all of them. I love that family more than they will ever know!

Thank you to everyone who came to visit me, called me, wrote me a card, texted me, sent me flowers, prayed for me, sent a Facebook message, or even commented on this blog. I was overwhelmed with the love and support that was shown to me. I heard from people who I hadn't heard from in years. It is so nice to know that people care.

So again, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone who has helped me and showed me support. You have all helped make this trial a little more bearable and it means more than you'll ever know.